I didn't know, I didn't know

I lied. Getting over Singapore hasn't happened as yet. I am still trying. I live in denial about missing the city, the places, the people and my life there. The thing about home is that it'll never go away ever thankfully so I never miss it as much. Plus being from Calcutta very few things change as such and my school friends are permanently stationed here. I always come back to the same comfortable feeling of home, mum, our conversations, my room, my girls, the same haunts, the coffee shops change once in a while but that is that. It is still us, school friends, Park Street, same watering holes and the conversations too border on familiarity with each other, having grown up together and I wouldn't want this to go away at all. This is my anchor each time I leave a new place and begin elsewhere I know that Calcutta doesn't change as much, for me at least.

I was in Delhi for a week for my best friend's wedding and it was just fun, fun, fun but I honestly felt nothing coming back to it after 2 years. I have spent almost 5 years there and the longer part of my twenties were spent in Delhi but I feel this strange disassociation from the city. There is no nostalgia attached with the city. I loved that place when I was younger and now I cannot see myself there. I'd much rather stick around in Cal for a bit rather than heading back to Delhi. But of course one gets a job there and one shall be forced to relocate to Delhi yet again. Arghhhhhhh!

I am not gonna write about SG. I am not gonna write about my last few days there. I am not gonna write about my night out at Timbre, the music, Bettina, Andy, A and I dancing our hearts out. I am not gonna write about the drunken picnic on Marina Barrage, my last day at the Uni as I emptied my locker and returned the keys, entering the library the last time, my last conversation with P in her lovely balcony, standing in the beach with A that last evening, dropping Tina to Uni and she calling back in tears saying she'll miss me, goodbye to A in the MRT and it felt like a movie, a movie I didn't want to end as yet and hell I wanted a happy ending.

Here I am sleepwalking through my life here. Somedays I am just numb as if the last one year never happened. I make myself believe that I have been here forever. Did I ever have all those conversations with P on her balcony? Did A and I ever walk through Boat Quay singing songs? It is like a dream and I pinch myself to make myself believe all of that actually happened. I lived a lifetime in 9 months, I did. Now to live the rest of my life here and some how it doesn't seem an inviting prospect without some of those lovely people I met.

"And me? Well I’ll carry the thought of you doing just fine. I’ll carry the thought of you meeting new people, and holding new pairs of hands, and clutching people closer than you ever clutched me. I’ll remember that when you came to me it was a blessing. A temporary blessing that we’ll one day see if we can make permanent. But for now, it’s you and all the little lives you’ve got to go out there and touch.

You’re ready. That’s why I’m letting you go. And everyone else? Everyone else who gets you for this next little “I’ll see you everyday” sort of while? They win. I don’t feel like much of a winner in this moment, but them? They absolutely win."

My first and second last exam in 2 hours. I only managed one revision. I somehow just cannot get down to reading like a maniac. I know I shouldn't be over confident because it is construction law but I am hardly complacent about this. I just don't feel like reading anymore. I'll solve the problem when it is in front of me. That is that. I am not excited about this getting over. Of course I can hardly wait for the "I don't need to study everyday diligently feeling" to set in but the rest I am just clueless. What now?

I'll be lying if I said I wasn't excited about going back home though. I am so so excited, as if I am 18 again and this is the first year of undergrad. I am so excited about Mona's wedding and meeting up with all the girls where ever they may be. I am excited about meeting some old old friends in Delhi and I can hardly wait to go to Bombay and meet Shivi. Sad about leaving somethings and some people behind in Singapore. But that was inevitable I guess. Now to find a new job and move on in life.  I'll mostly have happy memories of this city. 

Random thoughts

I wish I had just one day when my mind did not think so much but for the tasks I am supposed to complete. So many thoughts running wild in my head, all the what nots, the whys, the hows? I am tired of over thinking. I am not even that worried. But I think being blank is so peaceful sometimes. I want that blankness of mind, like a blackboard wiped clean.

I don't wanna crave and pine for romantic love. Its so tiresome to bother about it. Not a single leaf moves if it is not supposed to and same goes with romantic love. I don't know how people so smugly advice you not to focus on finding someone and concentrating on loving yourself first and it'll come when you least expect it. Hahaha! Seriously that is a joke. Some of us don't like to focus on finding someone but are constantly reminded of it. 

And if anyone tells me about self love and loving myself first, well I think the last couple of years especially the two years, I have done a good job of loving myself and my life and following my dreams and I aspire to be able to continue to do so. But seriously I can only love myself so much. I do not wanna be obsessed about finding myself and get lost in self love. I already found myself, a tad bit late but I did. I still have stars in my eyes though. 

I gotta head back to work. Sigh! 

I am tired and drained out with research. ASEAN's policies have sucked the life out of me. As usual I have failed to adhere to the word limit of a research paper.

This morning I got up and I realised any more reading on ASEAN and I'll explode. Besides the amount of time I spend on Facebook is preposterous. Last night I  deactivated my account only to activate it again.

Today it is Freedom of Speech that shall do the honours.

 I keep reading this fabulous articles, written by brilliant people and I also read some not so great articles by not so brilliant people and then I write a pile of rubbish and sometimes maybe I write something that actually makes sense and the one thing that keeps running in my mind while I am buried knee deep in books, getting all these concepts clear in my head, stuff I never thought would come to me easily and it still doesn't but I love it, and the truth is that one does not feel like going back to highways, underground railways and bridges. Airports I can tolerate. But loving something and tolerating something is soooooo different.

Silly woman. Should have taken the corporate and financial services modules and never gotten a taste of this. The doctrine of 'grapes are sour' shall never apply here. Now to live with this. 

A little mellow. What with my farewell dinner and heading back home in a month I am guessing it is justified.

You can have the two quays.

Cause I can't have you.

I liked this today. :) Inspired me. I am hardly rising though. Just moving along with the waves. Not descending definitely.

It is second semester, my last semester here. 3 months and I am done with exams. 29th April, 2014 is my last exam. I have little idea what is in store for me. I began classes two weeks back and I am soooo in love with the subjects. They are vague, random, arbitrary but hell I love them.

 It actually takes time to like a new city, it takes time to find your own space, your niche and to surround yourself with your kind of people. I had a presentation today, was up all night reading up and when I walked through Botanic Gardens this morning it didn't feel alien at all. Even the nervousness and jitteriness before presentations has significantly reduced. It just feels soooooooo different.

The weekend passed away in a blur of parties, dinners, conversations, dancing, birthdays and pictures. I'll miss all of this.

I could do with a bit of luck though for the future. Even if I am lost, hope it is in the right direction. It sure feels like that.